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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby corbyn » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:13 pm

Sorry for any errors and such.
And sorry also that it's too long.

My grandmother’s black eyes sparkled. ‘Freedom, my child. Freedom is the thing my heart cherishes the most. And you shall see freedom for yourself, I assure you.’ My grandmother, Ada, which simply means ‘to help’ in Yiddish, was one of the original inmates here. Here, at Kamchatka, gateway to hell. Grandmother was of short stature, with shimmering silver hair and enticing black eyes. Her gentle voice was the only element in my life that could sooth and calm me. I was born here, as was my mother, and so this ‘freedom’ concept my grandmother spoke of seemed like a mystical fantasy. ‘I was 15 when the Germans invaded in 1939,’ she continued ‘We were living on the outskirts of Lodz... We worked hard for our money never harmed anyone. And yet the German scum thought they had a right to shatter my life.’ She spoke passionately about this time. It was the time she clung to, the time she reminisced about. She had a right to, after all, even if the Germans didn’t think so. ‘Hush, hush.’ She breathed, pressing a finger against her lips. A German guard was passing. She carefully shielded the light of the candle beneath a black cup. The barrack was plunged into darkness, except for the occasional flickering of the sickly orange lamppost outside. When the German had left, she graced the room with light once again. The entire barrack population had swarmed around grandmother, desperate for an ounce of hope in our dismal lives. ‘Please, go on Ada.’ Urged Halina. Halina was tall and slim, and was one of my mother’s childhood friends. She often told me stories of my mother. The mother I had never known. ‘Alright,’ smiled grandmother. ‘Almost immediately the Germans forced us out of our homes to relocate in the Lodz ghetto. We were herded into a small flat, one in which we shared with another family. We tried to stay out of each other’s way, which proved tough during the harsh winters when food was scarce. We had little insulation in our flat, and so when winter came by, icicles hung menacingly from the ceiling and frost glittered on the walls.’ Cold, however, was not an unfamiliar concept. It is all I had known my entire life. Cold and freezing. ‘Our rations were never enough to satisfy. When father fell ill with typhus, it was like my whole world came crumbling apart. The watery soup I obtained at work was immediately stashed under my cap and fed to him on my return. Despite our best efforts, father died in August 1943.’ A tear welled at my grandmother’s eyes and escaped down her cheek. After all these years, my grandmother still anguished about her father. This was a love I did not know. My own father, Fritz Hindberg, was a German guard that had fallen head over heels for my mother. Grandmother says this is because of her dazzling and enchanting eyes, but I would not know. Fritz is tall and muscular, with pale blue eyes and blonde hair. The few times I see him is when he brings grandmother and me extra food. This, of course, is a bribe to keep us quiet. If the Kommandant found out about the affair, he’d be shot and thrown into a mass grave with the Jews. Of course this extra bread and soup is the only reason my grandmother is still alive, and for this, I thank him. ‘Deportations to the unknown were the most frightening aspect of Lodz ghetto life. Thousands of Jews were herded into cattle trains and never seen again. It wasn’t until one of the Jewish underground told us they were being gassed at Chelmno extermination camp. That was the fear that kept me awake at night. Luckily for mother and me, our flat had a double wall that backed onto our neighbours’ flat. Our neighbours had been deported months earlier, and so this became our hiding space. Whenever deportations transpired, mother and I would squeeze between the walls, sometimes for days on end, without water or food. It was during this time I thanked God for not giving me any brothers or sisters to crowd this tiny space with.’ She chuckles. Deep down I know she wished for the companionship of a sibling. Then again, that sibling would have most likely been gassed anyway. She lies down on the bunk bed, sighing heavily. The wooden bunk beds are covered with a sack and any pillows that existed we traded for food long ago. There are three bunks in a row, and they span around the entire barrack. But lately, more and more bunks lay empty, their previous owners festering atop a pile of corpses. ‘Stop that incessant racket!’ Barked a guard outside, thumping the wall loudly. Caught up in the story, none of us had noticed his return. Grandmother hurriedly blew out the candle and stashed it beneath a wooden board in the bunk. The guard came crashing into the barrack. ‘Sprechen ist verboten!’ He screams, slamming his rubber truncheon against the wall which sends thundering echoes around the barrack. He glares at us. ‘Ihr Schmutzige Juden.’ His heavy riding boots hammer the floor as he storms out of the barrack,
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby fferyll12 » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:13 pm

send me the whole bloody thing ya sluz
yes i do indeed want to read the whole thing
does this mean ur going to go on oprah's book club?
cos then we can be famous together muhaha
i shall talk to u on msn now
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby jordanna34 » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:17 pm

Holy wall of text. Paragraphs would make me read more.
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby justin » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:19 pm

I refuse to play your chinese food mind games!
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby filipe » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:34 pm

I'm not even going to read this.
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby tiarchnach82 » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:35 pm

its amazing did u write this?
welld one if so
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby chizkia » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:39 pm

i think it's a good one, and i do want to read more.
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby eijaz » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:47 pm

I read five lines and my eyes crossed. You really need to use paragraphs, and when posting online you need to leave a blank line between them too.

But the five lines I read sounded interesting.
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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby graent » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:52 pm

Congrats. This was an enjoyable read but paragraphs would have been better yes. One tip, when the grandmother starts talking, put in on a new line. I also like the fact that you used the correct grammar when you said "Luckily for mother and me...". Often people make the mistake of saying I, but you used me, which is grammatically correct.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this story and I hope all goes well with the rest of the book.

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Would this extract make you want to read more?

Postby huntingden » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:55 pm

put some paragraphs in it would make it look more readable hurts my eyes all grouoed up like that start sounds good though :-)
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