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Would Keep On Reading?

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Edmond » Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:52 pm

I'm 13 years old and I enjoy writing very much and I was wondering if you would keep on reading?

My name is Benjamin Hayden, my father left me on the first day of kindergarden and I never got over that and neither did my mother. My mom was a nice woman but she has no idea why her husband left, she thought they had a beautiful marriage and so did I by the stories she told to me.
It ate her up inside and she never smiled after that day, but my mom has been proud of me since my dad left. She would tell me ?Your father would be proud,? and I would usually reply ?He would proud of you to mom.? This would usually make her cry and then she would start drinking wine out of the bottle. This was what my life was like until I was nineteen until I went to law school to become a lawyer.

When I finished law school I moved to New Jersey. I got job as a lawyer that paid pretty well and I lived in a apartment in downtown Newark, New Jersey with this guy named Steve Garner. He was in the army for two years. He would tell me a story about what he saw. He would cry and begin to smoke which was unusual. I also lived with this guy named Harry Kellner. He said he remembered his own birth, but no one believed him, but he was smart. He went to Harvard for three years and earned money doing many elaborate con games to pay for his college. He lived with his grandparents for most of his life because both of his parents were addicted to cocaine. This obviously put the family in debt with the bank providing Harry with tons of emotional stress. After his grandparents passed away when he was eighteen he moved to Massachusetts.
Edmond
 
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jan 14, 2014 9:57 pm

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Fineen » Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:57 pm

I think you need to work on some punctuation errors.

You have so much information I was overwhelmed. I think the first paragraph was OK, if a bit long, but going on to explain the whole of this guy's life, well I just got a little bored. When you want to tell the readers about the character's past, do it in moderation. Show not tell.

This could be a good book, you just need to improve a few skills.

Good luck
Fineen
 
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Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:50 pm

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Banjamen » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:03 pm

I might say the go with the flow of the booklet is what maintains me reading until the last web page. I can't read a guide where all of the fun and interesting matters within the plot of the publication are laid out in one unique area of the publication. The e-book has to glide maintaining my attention with the whole lot ie the characters, the history discipline, the language variety used, characters that come and go simply making it a overall satisfying booklet to learn.
Banjamen
 
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Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2014 4:46 am

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Brindley » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:09 pm

Sure, I would keep reading.
Brindley
 
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Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:05 pm

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Antonio » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:10 pm

no. I'm a former editor.
Once I see a serious grammatical error, I stop.
So I didn't make it through your first "sentence."
Antonio
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2014 11:48 pm

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Adamec » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:11 pm

To be honest, no. You dumped so much information on me I got bored midway. Skim the info, pace the story, and fix some minor grammar mistakes.


Tip: You don't need to tell their backstory in the first few sentences of the story.
Adamec
 
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Joined: Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:34 am

Would Keep On Reading?

Postby Butcher » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:15 pm

I wouldn't keep reading, but only because this doesn't seem like something I would be interested in. I also agree with the person who said too much info. Not to say you aren't a good writer. I'm sure you are amazing and it's really good that you are a literate person, but this just isn't my genre.
Butcher
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2014 4:12 am


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