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What should I do if I am a failure at life ?

Depression making it hard to lose weight?

What should I do if I am a failure at life ?

Postby claybourne » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:34 am

So. I don’t really know what I’m doing right now. I guess I’m doing this because my self-esteem is quite bad at the moment. I could probably write a diary, but that would probably just lower my self-esteem even more knowing I write one. Ugh. I don’t know.

Anyways, I’ve just been very depressed. It’s quite a lot to explain, so I’ll start off with my childhood. I grew up in an ‘Asian Family’, so I was pushed to excel in school and such. So in school I was sort of awkward. I was also very fat growing up. That made me even more awkward.

Over the years, my family moved 3 houses, and I moved 5 elementary schools. Because of it, I’ve never been able to establish real, true friends. I am currently in high school, and I don’t know if this originates from my childhood, but my self-esteem and poor work-ethics are seriously affecting my life right now. I guess since my parents pushed me so much when I was younger, I grew to ignore it, and instead grew lazy. Now whenever I hear them nag to do study harder and better grades it just goes in one ear, and out the other. Also, because I was fat growing up, my self-esteem has always been low. Never in my life have I not been conscience of my appearance and weight.
To the current day, I’m in quite a dilemma. I’m part of this vicious cycle that never ends. I go to school. I fall asleep in my classes at time, or I am too lazy to pay attention. At lunch, instead of making up work I didn’t finish, I talk with friends and goof off. At home, I feel too tired and weighted by my depression to really do anything. Most of the time, I’m lost in thought, and they aren’t very good thoughts. Most of my thoughts revolve around how I’m doing ‘in life’ and how I’m not doing very well at all. Once, I was getting ready to finish my homework (a rare occasion), but before I actually got to doing anything, I sat in my chair lost in my thoughts for an hour. And I usually hardly ever cry, or show any sadness at all because I keep it to myself. However, that day, I was so lost in thought, and I realized/felt so lonely and useless than I have ever felt in my life. It hit me so hard and I cried for about 30 minutes. Anyways, back to my cycle. Because I’m too lost in thought, and weighted in my depression, I usually sleep. When I awake, I’m usually greeted by the screaming and lecture of my parents. But of course it goes in one ear, and comes out the other. I’ve grown so used to it. The following day, I have no idea what’s going on in class, because I didn’t pay attention in class the previous day. So everything juts piles up and repeats itself. And, I feel like this cycle has gone on too long, and I’m just too far behind everyone else that the cycle is just irreversible.

For my thoughts, they usually revolve around like I said how I’m doing in life. What my life is going to add up to. Which is of course, failure. I think about how everyone at my school is a freaking genius because I go to a quite successful school. One of the best in Canada. It’s also an arts school. One of my friends, is currently finished her ARCT for piano, and also has perfect pitch. She excels in anything she does pretty much, keeping a very good average in school, and she also makes pocket money being accompaniment for ballets or recitals. My other friends, excels less, but more than me at least. He has photographic memory so he has no need to study. Also, he doesn’t take lessons, yet he can play 3 instruments very well. Me on the other hand, I struggle in everything I do; my organization, understanding concepts, remembering things, my piano. There’s no way I could ever be as good as my friend at piano or in school. And there’s no way I’ll ever be able to have as good memory as my other friend, or have the skill to play 3 instruments with such ease. And now that I’m in highschool, grade 10 to be exact, and there’s all this talk of volunteer hours, and what you’re going to do after highschool, I just feel so insignificant and useless. I can’t do well at school, or in piano. Also, my self-esteem is in my thoughts most of the time as well. I’m not fat anymore, but I’m not jacked either like most guys at my age. I don’t know if I’m very good looking, and even if I was, my personality sure isn’t attractive at all. Which is actually what I find quite attractive in an individual. I don’t deserve to be in such an opportune school, to have great friends or to have such a supporting family. That’s another thing. My family is quite supportive. My dad, got 2 jobs just to support with my lessons etc. And one would think that would make me want to succeed in school. But no. I’m such an awful person. And I want to change and set goals for myself. But it’s always just a dream. A dream that will never ever come true. Even with all the resources, and opportunity around me, it just seems hopeless because I’ve gotten behind in everything.
claybourne
 
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What should I do if I am a failure at life ?

Postby adrian » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:36 am

Like other guys said, you could actually try changing some things. Instead of falling asleep during class actually listen and do homework.
adrian
 
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What should I do if I am a failure at life ?

Postby joby94 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:39 am

Okay, first thing, too much writing, too late at night. -.-

If you see yourself as a 'failure', you should look at why you're failing.
Then work to fix these things, one by one, slowly.
You should see then, that people who know how to cope, don't 'fail'.
joby94
 
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What should I do if I am a failure at life ?

Postby finnbar » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:45 am

you need to understand that everything in life is overrated...
.
really, it is...
.
finnbar
 
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