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Excerpt from a story I'm writing?

Excerpt from a story I'm writing?

Postby jesiah » Tue Oct 04, 2011 8:05 pm

It looks like it's heading somewhere good, so keep it up :) However, at the beginning there are too many short sentences, it chops the piece up and makes it static and hard to read. Try and use commas to make it flow better.

Also, there are few points where your descriptions are awkward, or not detailed enough. For example:
"A sneer came to his face naturally as he stared at the tired faces." - the use of 'face' twice makes this sentence quite awkward, try and find another word to suit it.

And here:
"He looked meanly at one boy"- the word 'meanly' is a really quite childish description, it makes me think we're looking at a kid, not a king. So try and change this to be more adult.

Good Luck :) hope this helped x
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